Bucket List

Let me start off by saying that bucket lists are stupid. You should try to do things you want to do all throughout your life, not just when you’re near the end of it. Also, I am no where near cute enough, young enough, or terminal enough (since I’m not dying at all) to get any of these things done for me by Make-A-Wish or a celebrity. This means I’ll have to do it myself, and that’s a lot of work. So if I’m ever cuter, younger, or dying, and also lived in a world where the laws of physics no longer held meaning, this would be my list.

One: Punch Putin in the face and act like it didn’t hurt, even though his face looks really hard (I will also exchange this for giving Kim Jong-un a wedgie… I feel like this would be the easier of the two).

Two: Visit Atlantis or the North Pole or any other place everyone else said was fictitious that I secretly wanted to be real.

Three: Have Tina Fey adopt me. I must also meet Amy Poehler in this situation. Ideally she would co-adopt me and I would have the funniest moms ever.

Four: Never meet Oprah.

Five: Adopt every cat and dog in the whole world that needed a home. Every. One.

Six: Drive out into a national park and live there for a month just to see if I could hack it (I already know the answer to this, but I’m already hypothetically dying so this is why it’s on the list).

Seven: Ride a hawk (or a dinosaur or a unicorn, but the hawk’s probably better because I’ve actually seen one of those before).

Eight: Have Colin Farrell narrate my life. Most people would rather sign Morgan Freeman up for this task, but I prefer Colin Farrell. If my first choice gets too busy, I don’t know… being Irish or something, then Morgan Freeman can substitute.

Nine: Light a fire with my mind.

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Sondre Lerche Cover of Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

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Just like a Doctor Who Snuggie, Sondre Lerche has birthed this ultra cool cover of Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”. Please follow the link below to listen to the the raw rendition.

https://soundcloud.com/coslive/sondre-lerche-wrecking-ball

Like it a lot? Click here for a free download.

http://www.sondrelerche.com/2013/12/sondre-covers-mileys-wrecking-ball/

There’s some more covers from this artist out there. If you want to listen to some of them the links below are Beyoncé’s “Countdown” and Animal Collective’s “Bluish”, respectively.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SKo26ug7kO8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTfNM2_V-FE

Enjoy the music!

Real Estate Advice From Someone Who Has And Never Will Be a Realtor

Ever dreamed of being a realtor? Me neither! Here’s helpful hints I think are essential to making it in the business.

One: Mildew and pet stains are not as big of a deal as you might think. Feel free to Febreze that sh*t. The price of new carpeting can’t compare to a bottle of nature’s finest. Besides, have you seen those commercials with the blindfolds?? They’ll never know the difference.

Two: To keep buyers interested, nothing keeps the chase going like a little mystique. Hold an open house and invite the buyers. When they walk up the porch, slam the font door in their face and tell them the house is suddenly closed. Just remember to shout out your email from the window as they go back to their car in confusion.

Three: It’s always a good idea to add personality to the house you’re selling. Most people like pets but don’t want the hassle. Fish are a happy medium. They serve as companionship and decor (two birds one stone, pardon the pun). So get a lot of aquariums. Like, spend all of your budget on them. Trust me, I think it will be worth it. Plus, if a drug lord with tacky taste comes looking for a house, yours will be the first one he visits.

Four: If you’re unsure about setting a price, just take your initial thought and then double it. I hear the market’s much better now then it was a few years ago… or something like that. If your buyers are hesitant, just throw unintelligible realtor jargon at them that will scare them into buying.

Five: Finally, if some buyers start to question the quality of your sell, don’t be afraid to be so honest they’ll think you’re joking.

“Are the schools any good in this area?”

“Doesn’t matter, with No Child Left Behind the teachers will have no problem tweaking your child’s grades.”

“Are the neighbors friendly?”

“If you’re into risky investments, I’m sure they’ll be real friendly.”

“Is that a bloodstain on the floor?!?”

“What’s your favorite scent of Febreze?”

First Blog Post, Ever, in History… For Me

Welcome one and all! Even you, that guy standing there in the corner. Yes, you, even you.

So. Here we are. This is awkward. Starting something new always is. Especially a blog. I don’t know what I’m going to write about, you guys are trying to see if you like it or not… it’s difficult. For all of us. And by all of us I mean me and that one other person from China who may or may not being reading this. Yes, I know who you are. I’m like Santa, ever-vigilant.

So yea, this may be a little rough in the beginning, but I’ll find my voice, and hopefully you’ll like it. In the meantime, I ask you to bear with me. In the long run, hopefully you’ll find some redeeming qualities that might make you want to come back. You might even find some things that are relatable. Who knows where this will go?