Life Advice From Me in Forty Years

Being a young adult who doesn’t have their own life figured out by now, I am in no position to be telling anyone anything… but I’m sure I would be in forty years. And since no one wants to wait that long to hear what I have to say, not to mention it’s unlikely any of my pets wouldn’t have eaten me alive by that time, let’s just do a little time travel and get to the good stuff while blogs are still relevant.

One: Hold back on your swearing. You’re too young to be angry about anything anyway. Save up those cuss words for when you really need them… when you’re old and tired. Besides, nobody cares what you do at that age anyway. It’ll just seem cute. Like farts.

Two: The saying is true, a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. And if you cook well enough (or include enough crack in each meal) it’ll prevent your man from straying. Or, at the very least, you can make him fat enough so that no woman would even think about being his mistress.

Three: When choosing a man, if it had to come down to one thing, pick the one who likes your cooking the best. Make sure he becomes dependent on it (see number Two).

Four: Read big and heavy books. The knowledge you gain from them will be invaluable, not to mention the ability to bludgeon any attempting rapist with the current novel you are carrying.

Five: Make sure everyone you meet knows you are a lady or gentleman… just don’t choose your personal brand of proof to be your actual anatomy. White gloves and top hats effectively achieve this all while keeping legs closed.

Six: Develop your own way of speaking and continue using it for the rest of your life. If anyone asks where your accent comes from, pull out the name of a fake country from your a**. Make them understand that you think they are ignorant for not knowing this country. Especially do this to people you think are more interesting than you.

Seven: Eat as many bananas as you can, because, you know… I think they’re going extinct or something.

Signs You Are an Adult

Most people claim to never have grown up. I am one of these people. But, there are definitely certain things which bring you closer to adulthood. Making a list about them on your blog does not qualify.

One: Even by accident, wearing matching underwear for the first time is exciting. It doesn’t matter if it’s rainbows or Justin Bieber, if the bra and the panties vaguely look like they could have been bought as a set, you are one step closer to being an adult.

Two: I consider it an accomplishment when you’re old enough for your doctor to take you seriously when you tell him or her that you are not doing drugs. I’m still waiting on this one.

Three: Small talk is an art to be mastered. Especially when your best friend is making faces behind the person you are talking to. Holding back those laughs takes work, people.

Four: I feel like you cannot be an adult if you are mandated to do physical activity. For those of you who are still required to take gym in college, you are not old yet.

Five: You can’t be an adult and like snow. It’s a trend that I’ve noticed where those of you who obtain cars and use them regularly become instant grouches about the wintertime. If you don’t drive you are obviously exempt from this one.

Six: The elder generation loves to complain about their body’s aches and pain.  Unfortunately, there is no end to the holiday gatherings where my relatives have actually been competing against one another to see who is organically breaking down the fastest. I’m still in college and I’ve found myself starting to do this.

Seven: As you get closer to being an adult, the ratio between the amount of stuffed animals you have and the amount of boring pens you own shifts dramatically. I cannot stress this one enough. Actually, this should pretty much be the determining factor for adulthood. I rest my case.

YouTuber Grace Helbig

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What Sarah McLachlan is to sad puppy commercials, Grace Helbig is to YouTube. Amassing more than two million YouTube subscribers, the web personality Grace Helbig is one of the most popular channels on the website to date. Titled DailyGrace, Helbig posted humorous and adorably real videos celebrating tomfoolery and life in general. Her very approachable and awkward style is understood immediately as every viewer feels a sense of themselves on the screen.

The DailyGrace channel was in a contract with a network called My Damn Channel. This contract came to a close with the coming year and Helbig choose to leave the partnership for more independence on one of her older channels itsgrace. Ironically enough, My Damn Channel owns her previous content according to their original agreement and will not release anything back to Helbig. Hence the move.

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Rumors began circulating about the move ever since 2013 was nearing its end. Suspicions peaked when DailyGrace’s second to last original video was posted, starring her and her brother Tim Helbig. He referred to it as her last video, a line which My Damn Channel cut out after Grace had left. However, they failed to remove a sneaky drop from Helbig at 3:40 about her new channel. Fans were in an uproar, but within the next day Helbig calmed the masses with her final video as DailyGrace, reassuring a return to the internet by next week.

Helbig did not disappoint, immediately kicking off itsgrace with a promotional video and an introductory video the following week. While the beginnings of the channel show a familiarity that suggests Helbig never left, things are definitely changing. Videos were posted every weekday on DailyGrace, each following a theme with Misc Monday, Comment Tuesdays, Review Wednesday, How To Thursdays, and Sexy Fridays. Already itsgrace is following a new format, Helbig admitting to an undecided structure.

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Despite not being allowed to advertise itsgrace on her old channel, subscribers have jumped to over half a million in under a month. In defiance to My Damn Channel, subscribers to DailyGrace have also been steadily dropping. With no official farewell and a hushed up exit, the move surprised many fans, but the general consensus seems to be supportive of Helbig and her decision to work with more freedom. More importantly, Helbig is a talented woman whose comedic touch adds a little fun into the daily lives of viewers, and this won’t change as long as she’s still posting videos.

What I Expect From the Golden Globes

As most of you may know, the hosts of the Golden Globes this year are Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. As some of you may also know, from a previous post I shared, my dream is that they both become my new mommies in a formal adoption. Apparently I am not alone in this wish. Clearly I must think these woman are the sh*t. You would be right, Readers, I do. And if any of you saw last year’s Golden Globes, no one should be arguing with me. Here is some of the awesomeness that can only be manifested from this comedy duo.

One: Even though the audience will consist of a bunch of celebrities in stuffy outfits sitting at spacious dining tables, I’m sure that Fey and Poehler can turn this high school reunion into a rock concert. This would be achieved best with a stage dive from either of them, but both would be better.

Two: Another drinking game for the entire venue should definitely be in order. Of course the whole thing would be rigged and everyone would very much be wasted at the end of the night, but come on, who doesn’t want to take a swig every time there’s a callback to Ricky Gervais?

Three: On stage, Amy Poehler calls for a public reconciliation with her ex-husband Will Arnett. He stands up from the audience and proclaims that he never wants to be apart from her again. He walks up to her, whisks her into his arms, and everyone cheers. Poehler waves like the American princess she never got to be as Arnett carries her offstage. This could all totally happen.

Four: There should be a good thirty minutes devoted to a segment where Fey and Poehler attempt to recreate Bradley Cooper’s hair from American Hustle.

Five: Readers, just expect greatness, because greatness will happen this Sunday.