Life Advice From Me in Forty Years

Being a young adult who doesn’t have their own life figured out by now, I am in no position to be telling anyone anything… but I’m sure I would be in forty years. And since no one wants to wait that long to hear what I have to say, not to mention it’s unlikely any of my pets wouldn’t have eaten me alive by that time, let’s just do a little time travel and get to the good stuff while blogs are still relevant.

One: Hold back on your swearing. You’re too young to be angry about anything anyway. Save up those cuss words for when you really need them… when you’re old and tired. Besides, nobody cares what you do at that age anyway. It’ll just seem cute. Like farts.

Two: The saying is true, a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. And if you cook well enough (or include enough crack in each meal) it’ll prevent your man from straying. Or, at the very least, you can make him fat enough so that no woman would even think about being his mistress.

Three: When choosing a man, if it had to come down to one thing, pick the one who likes your cooking the best. Make sure he becomes dependent on it (see number Two).

Four: Read big and heavy books. The knowledge you gain from them will be invaluable, not to mention the ability to bludgeon any attempting rapist with the current novel you are carrying.

Five: Make sure everyone you meet knows you are a lady or gentleman… just don’t choose your personal brand of proof to be your actual anatomy. White gloves and top hats effectively achieve this all while keeping legs closed.

Six: Develop your own way of speaking and continue using it for the rest of your life. If anyone asks where your accent comes from, pull out the name of a fake country from your a**. Make them understand that you think they are ignorant for not knowing this country. Especially do this to people you think are more interesting than you.

Seven: Eat as many bananas as you can, because, you know… I think they’re going extinct or something.

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