Life Advice From Me in Forty Years

Being a young adult who doesn’t have their own life figured out by now, I am in no position to be telling anyone anything… but I’m sure I would be in forty years. And since no one wants to wait that long to hear what I have to say, not to mention it’s unlikely any of my pets wouldn’t have eaten me alive by that time, let’s just do a little time travel and get to the good stuff while blogs are still relevant.

One: Hold back on your swearing. You’re too young to be angry about anything anyway. Save up those cuss words for when you really need them… when you’re old and tired. Besides, nobody cares what you do at that age anyway. It’ll just seem cute. Like farts.

Two: The saying is true, a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. And if you cook well enough (or include enough crack in each meal) it’ll prevent your man from straying. Or, at the very least, you can make him fat enough so that no woman would even think about being his mistress.

Three: When choosing a man, if it had to come down to one thing, pick the one who likes your cooking the best. Make sure he becomes dependent on it (see number Two).

Four: Read big and heavy books. The knowledge you gain from them will be invaluable, not to mention the ability to bludgeon any attempting rapist with the current novel you are carrying.

Five: Make sure everyone you meet knows you are a lady or gentleman… just don’t choose your personal brand of proof to be your actual anatomy. White gloves and top hats effectively achieve this all while keeping legs closed.

Six: Develop your own way of speaking and continue using it for the rest of your life. If anyone asks where your accent comes from, pull out the name of a fake country from your a**. Make them understand that you think they are ignorant for not knowing this country. Especially do this to people you think are more interesting than you.

Seven: Eat as many bananas as you can, because, you know… I think they’re going extinct or something.

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Signs You Are an Adult

Most people claim to never have grown up. I am one of these people. But, there are definitely certain things which bring you closer to adulthood. Making a list about them on your blog does not qualify.

One: Even by accident, wearing matching underwear for the first time is exciting. It doesn’t matter if it’s rainbows or Justin Bieber, if the bra and the panties vaguely look like they could have been bought as a set, you are one step closer to being an adult.

Two: I consider it an accomplishment when you’re old enough for your doctor to take you seriously when you tell him or her that you are not doing drugs. I’m still waiting on this one.

Three: Small talk is an art to be mastered. Especially when your best friend is making faces behind the person you are talking to. Holding back those laughs takes work, people.

Four: I feel like you cannot be an adult if you are mandated to do physical activity. For those of you who are still required to take gym in college, you are not old yet.

Five: You can’t be an adult and like snow. It’s a trend that I’ve noticed where those of you who obtain cars and use them regularly become instant grouches about the wintertime. If you don’t drive you are obviously exempt from this one.

Six: The elder generation loves to complain about their body’s aches and pain.  Unfortunately, there is no end to the holiday gatherings where my relatives have actually been competing against one another to see who is organically breaking down the fastest. I’m still in college and I’ve found myself starting to do this.

Seven: As you get closer to being an adult, the ratio between the amount of stuffed animals you have and the amount of boring pens you own shifts dramatically. I cannot stress this one enough. Actually, this should pretty much be the determining factor for adulthood. I rest my case.

What I Expect From the Golden Globes

As most of you may know, the hosts of the Golden Globes this year are Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. As some of you may also know, from a previous post I shared, my dream is that they both become my new mommies in a formal adoption. Apparently I am not alone in this wish. Clearly I must think these woman are the sh*t. You would be right, Readers, I do. And if any of you saw last year’s Golden Globes, no one should be arguing with me. Here is some of the awesomeness that can only be manifested from this comedy duo.

One: Even though the audience will consist of a bunch of celebrities in stuffy outfits sitting at spacious dining tables, I’m sure that Fey and Poehler can turn this high school reunion into a rock concert. This would be achieved best with a stage dive from either of them, but both would be better.

Two: Another drinking game for the entire venue should definitely be in order. Of course the whole thing would be rigged and everyone would very much be wasted at the end of the night, but come on, who doesn’t want to take a swig every time there’s a callback to Ricky Gervais?

Three: On stage, Amy Poehler calls for a public reconciliation with her ex-husband Will Arnett. He stands up from the audience and proclaims that he never wants to be apart from her again. He walks up to her, whisks her into his arms, and everyone cheers. Poehler waves like the American princess she never got to be as Arnett carries her offstage. This could all totally happen.

Four: There should be a good thirty minutes devoted to a segment where Fey and Poehler attempt to recreate Bradley Cooper’s hair from American Hustle.

Five: Readers, just expect greatness, because greatness will happen this Sunday.

Bucket List

Let me start off by saying that bucket lists are stupid. You should try to do things you want to do all throughout your life, not just when you’re near the end of it. Also, I am no where near cute enough, young enough, or terminal enough (since I’m not dying at all) to get any of these things done for me by Make-A-Wish or a celebrity. This means I’ll have to do it myself, and that’s a lot of work. So if I’m ever cuter, younger, or dying, and also lived in a world where the laws of physics no longer held meaning, this would be my list.

One: Punch Putin in the face and act like it didn’t hurt, even though his face looks really hard (I will also exchange this for giving Kim Jong-un a wedgie… I feel like this would be the easier of the two).

Two: Visit Atlantis or the North Pole or any other place everyone else said was fictitious that I secretly wanted to be real.

Three: Have Tina Fey adopt me. I must also meet Amy Poehler in this situation. Ideally she would co-adopt me and I would have the funniest moms ever.

Four: Never meet Oprah.

Five: Adopt every cat and dog in the whole world that needed a home. Every. One.

Six: Drive out into a national park and live there for a month just to see if I could hack it (I already know the answer to this, but I’m already hypothetically dying so this is why it’s on the list).

Seven: Ride a hawk (or a dinosaur or a unicorn, but the hawk’s probably better because I’ve actually seen one of those before).

Eight: Have Colin Farrell narrate my life. Most people would rather sign Morgan Freeman up for this task, but I prefer Colin Farrell. If my first choice gets too busy, I don’t know… being Irish or something, then Morgan Freeman can substitute.

Nine: Light a fire with my mind.

Real Estate Advice From Someone Who Has And Never Will Be a Realtor

Ever dreamed of being a realtor? Me neither! Here’s helpful hints I think are essential to making it in the business.

One: Mildew and pet stains are not as big of a deal as you might think. Feel free to Febreze that sh*t. The price of new carpeting can’t compare to a bottle of nature’s finest. Besides, have you seen those commercials with the blindfolds?? They’ll never know the difference.

Two: To keep buyers interested, nothing keeps the chase going like a little mystique. Hold an open house and invite the buyers. When they walk up the porch, slam the font door in their face and tell them the house is suddenly closed. Just remember to shout out your email from the window as they go back to their car in confusion.

Three: It’s always a good idea to add personality to the house you’re selling. Most people like pets but don’t want the hassle. Fish are a happy medium. They serve as companionship and decor (two birds one stone, pardon the pun). So get a lot of aquariums. Like, spend all of your budget on them. Trust me, I think it will be worth it. Plus, if a drug lord with tacky taste comes looking for a house, yours will be the first one he visits.

Four: If you’re unsure about setting a price, just take your initial thought and then double it. I hear the market’s much better now then it was a few years ago… or something like that. If your buyers are hesitant, just throw unintelligible realtor jargon at them that will scare them into buying.

Five: Finally, if some buyers start to question the quality of your sell, don’t be afraid to be so honest they’ll think you’re joking.

“Are the schools any good in this area?”

“Doesn’t matter, with No Child Left Behind the teachers will have no problem tweaking your child’s grades.”

“Are the neighbors friendly?”

“If you’re into risky investments, I’m sure they’ll be real friendly.”

“Is that a bloodstain on the floor?!?”

“What’s your favorite scent of Febreze?”

First Blog Post, Ever, in History… For Me

Welcome one and all! Even you, that guy standing there in the corner. Yes, you, even you.

So. Here we are. This is awkward. Starting something new always is. Especially a blog. I don’t know what I’m going to write about, you guys are trying to see if you like it or not… it’s difficult. For all of us. And by all of us I mean me and that one other person from China who may or may not being reading this. Yes, I know who you are. I’m like Santa, ever-vigilant.

So yea, this may be a little rough in the beginning, but I’ll find my voice, and hopefully you’ll like it. In the meantime, I ask you to bear with me. In the long run, hopefully you’ll find some redeeming qualities that might make you want to come back. You might even find some things that are relatable. Who knows where this will go?