What I Expect From the Golden Globes

As most of you may know, the hosts of the Golden Globes this year are Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. As some of you may also know, from a previous post I shared, my dream is that they both become my new mommies in a formal adoption. Apparently I am not alone in this wish. Clearly I must think these woman are the sh*t. You would be right, Readers, I do. And if any of you saw last year’s Golden Globes, no one should be arguing with me. Here is some of the awesomeness that can only be manifested from this comedy duo.

One: Even though the audience will consist of a bunch of celebrities in stuffy outfits sitting at spacious dining tables, I’m sure that Fey and Poehler can turn this high school reunion into a rock concert. This would be achieved best with a stage dive from either of them, but both would be better.

Two: Another drinking game for the entire venue should definitely be in order. Of course the whole thing would be rigged and everyone would very much be wasted at the end of the night, but come on, who doesn’t want to take a swig every time there’s a callback to Ricky Gervais?

Three: On stage, Amy Poehler calls for a public reconciliation with her ex-husband Will Arnett. He stands up from the audience and proclaims that he never wants to be apart from her again. He walks up to her, whisks her into his arms, and everyone cheers. Poehler waves like the American princess she never got to be as Arnett carries her offstage. This could all totally happen.

Four: There should be a good thirty minutes devoted to a segment where Fey and Poehler attempt to recreate Bradley Cooper’s hair from American Hustle.

Five: Readers, just expect greatness, because greatness will happen this Sunday.

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Bucket List

Let me start off by saying that bucket lists are stupid. You should try to do things you want to do all throughout your life, not just when you’re near the end of it. Also, I am no where near cute enough, young enough, or terminal enough (since I’m not dying at all) to get any of these things done for me by Make-A-Wish or a celebrity. This means I’ll have to do it myself, and that’s a lot of work. So if I’m ever cuter, younger, or dying, and also lived in a world where the laws of physics no longer held meaning, this would be my list.

One: Punch Putin in the face and act like it didn’t hurt, even though his face looks really hard (I will also exchange this for giving Kim Jong-un a wedgie… I feel like this would be the easier of the two).

Two: Visit Atlantis or the North Pole or any other place everyone else said was fictitious that I secretly wanted to be real.

Three: Have Tina Fey adopt me. I must also meet Amy Poehler in this situation. Ideally she would co-adopt me and I would have the funniest moms ever.

Four: Never meet Oprah.

Five: Adopt every cat and dog in the whole world that needed a home. Every. One.

Six: Drive out into a national park and live there for a month just to see if I could hack it (I already know the answer to this, but I’m already hypothetically dying so this is why it’s on the list).

Seven: Ride a hawk (or a dinosaur or a unicorn, but the hawk’s probably better because I’ve actually seen one of those before).

Eight: Have Colin Farrell narrate my life. Most people would rather sign Morgan Freeman up for this task, but I prefer Colin Farrell. If my first choice gets too busy, I don’t know… being Irish or something, then Morgan Freeman can substitute.

Nine: Light a fire with my mind.