Real Estate Advice From Someone Who Has And Never Will Be a Realtor

Ever dreamed of being a realtor? Me neither! Here’s helpful hints I think are essential to making it in the business.

One: Mildew and pet stains are not as big of a deal as you might think. Feel free to Febreze that sh*t. The price of new carpeting can’t compare to a bottle of nature’s finest. Besides, have you seen those commercials with the blindfolds?? They’ll never know the difference.

Two: To keep buyers interested, nothing keeps the chase going like a little mystique. Hold an open house and invite the buyers. When they walk up the porch, slam the font door in their face and tell them the house is suddenly closed. Just remember to shout out your email from the window as they go back to their car in confusion.

Three: It’s always a good idea to add personality to the house you’re selling. Most people like pets but don’t want the hassle. Fish are a happy medium. They serve as companionship and decor (two birds one stone, pardon the pun). So get a lot of aquariums. Like, spend all of your budget on them. Trust me, I think it will be worth it. Plus, if a drug lord with tacky taste comes looking for a house, yours will be the first one he visits.

Four: If you’re unsure about setting a price, just take your initial thought and then double it. I hear the market’s much better now then it was a few years ago… or something like that. If your buyers are hesitant, just throw unintelligible realtor jargon at them that will scare them into buying.

Five: Finally, if some buyers start to question the quality of your sell, don’t be afraid to be so honest they’ll think you’re joking.

“Are the schools any good in this area?”

“Doesn’t matter, with No Child Left Behind the teachers will have no problem tweaking your child’s grades.”

“Are the neighbors friendly?”

“If you’re into risky investments, I’m sure they’ll be real friendly.”

“Is that a bloodstain on the floor?!?”

“What’s your favorite scent of Febreze?”